On choosing your tribe
If you or someone you love has been in close proximity to a high-schooler recently, or their parent, you may have come across their agony in figuring out their next steps (or helping their children do so.)
To the person asking a terrified 17- or 18-year old: “so what do you want to do next year?” I ask you only this: If you knew what you were doing at that age or where you were heading, then by all means feel free to cast that first stone.
For many young people, especially those just starting out in life, it can feel overwhelming not to have everything figured out. You might not have discovered that one hobby or interest that gives your life meaning and direction yet, and that’s perfectly normal. I came across this uncommon advice the other day: If you don’t know what to pursue in life right now, pursue yourself. Pursue becoming the healthiest, happiest, most healed, most present, most confident version of yourself. The rest will follow. Rather than getting stuck in indecision, start by investing in yourself. Think of it as a foundation — you become stronger, and the right direction, opportunities, and relationships start appearing.
In my experience, this advice sometimes goes beyond the remit of young adults, so perhaps another question you can ask yourself rather than “what do I want to do?” or “where do I want to go?” is this:
Who Do You Want to Be With?
You’ve probably heard the saying that: “You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.” The people you surround yourself with can heavily influence your mindset, habits, and even your success. This doesn’t mean you have to overhaul your social circle, but it does mean being mindful of the energy you absorb from those around you.
If you’re in a group of friends who are constantly pushing themselves, whether it’s in sports, academics, or creative projects, you’ll naturally find yourself gravitating towards those same habits, pushing yourself to do more. On the other hand, if you’re in a group that’s more laid-back, that can influence you as well. The question is: Who do you want to be, and who are the people that will help you become that version of yourself?
Finding Your Tribe
When you’re figuring out your direction in life, it helps to think about the people who surround you. Ask yourself:
- Do I want to spend my time with people who are intellectually curious and push me to think deeper?
- Do I want to be around creative, artistic individuals who inspire me to think outside the box?
- Or, am I drawn to a group of driven, competitive people who can help me level up?
There’s no one right answer here. It’s about aligning yourself with people who make you feel motivated and engaged — your tribe. These are the people who will either push you forward or hold you back.
Who Brings Out the Best in You?
When considering your tribe, it’s not just about shared interests. It’s about who brings out the best in you.
Let’s say you’re the type of person who struggles with time management. If one of your close friends is a master of productivity and organization, they might inspire you to take action and get things done. On the other hand, if you tend to be high-strung, being around someone who has a calming presence could help you find balance.
The idea here is simple: the people you surround yourself with should encourage you to grow, not just stay in your comfort zone. Are they helping you become a better version of yourself, or are you just coasting along without progress?
What Are You Bringing to the Table?
Of course, this isn’t a one-way street. While it’s important to think about what your friends and peers contribute to your life, it’s equally important to ask: What am I bringing to the table?
- Are you the type of person who inspires and uplifts those around you?
- Do you challenge your friends to grow, or do you hold them back?
- Are you a positive influence, or do you sometimes unintentionally bring negativity into the mix?
Remember, relationships are a two-way street. If you want to attract people who inspire you, you also need to show up as someone who contributes to their growth. It’s about giving as much as you receive.
Start With You
So if you’re unsure where to go next, start with yourself. Focus on becoming the best, healthiest, most resilient version of you. The rest — whether it’s career direction, friendships, or opportunities — will follow naturally.
And when life feels uncertain, ask yourself: Who do I want to be, and who are the people who will help me get there?